Living A Messy Life

Thirteen years ago, my husband and I had a very clear picture of what our family would looks like.

Two kids. Girls, of course, because they are easier. Neater. Calmer. They would be exactly two years apart, and exceptionally well-behaved.

It's almost laughable now that I look at my life.

I have two rowdy, crazy, always-into-dirt/bugs/mud/any sport boys. Think pet praying mantis, lizards, and cicadas. And one wild, ready to breakdown at any moment, girly girl. Think tantrum in a tutu and tiara.

They are a perfect mess. There is nothing neat or calm at my house.

Princess is working through trauma and as parents we are stepping into new territory that we never imagined. We are committed to walking through this with her--because she is worth it--because our family is worth it.

But I'd be lying if there weren't days where I wished my family didn't have to face the mess of trauma. Where I wished all three of my kids knew love since their first breath. There are those days when I don't think I have a single more ounce of love or patience to give. How I'm not sure I can meet anyone's needs--especially Princess' the next day.

And, you know what, I get up the next morning and fumble through it all over again. God drops little gifts every once in a while: Grandparents who understand Princess and sit with her, love her, and are patient with her. Or a friend who unexpectedly calls and invites Princess over and gives me an all day break. These things come at the most unexpected and needy times.

Then there's the church service where we are reminded that we are called to live messy lives.

Jesus didn't walk the face of this Earth with perfect, all-together people. He sought out the messiest, trauma-ridden people. He didn't sit in a beautiful house, with his perfect family, and watch the world go by. No he got in the mess--fully emerged himself in it--in fact he sought it out.

We were created to roll up our sleeves and get muddy. We were created for mess. And if we view our parenting as a holy calling--a calling like no other--then it only makes sense that we are equipped to survive and thrive in the mess of parenting.

Hardly ever do I feel like I'm thriving. But I get holy glimpses of it--like when all three of my kids play together;  laughing, talking, working together. Or a little girl who asks for her daddy when she so often rejects him. Or my middle guy, who is only 7, asking to send his toys to orphans because they have nothing and he has everything he needs.

They are fleeting, perfect glimpses of the hard, messy work of parenting.

Back To Work {Pieces of Me}

Last week I received an email that I hadn't gotten in a long, long time. Three years to be exact. A magazine, one I used to write for a lot, contacted me to write an article.

I have to say, my heart skipped a beat. 

In my former life--aka before kids--I was an editor and a freelance writer. When my Big Boy came along, I quit my job at the publishing company and became a full time freelance writer/editor.  Same job. But I could just do it from the living room. I also started writing for a magazine on a monthly basis. 

I loved every single minute of it. When my second boy came along, I balanced my interview/work schedule around naps. Thank goodness they both slept three hours every day. At the same time. It was a small miracle and I was an expert at manipulating sleep schedules.  Every night, I wrote. I worked around 30 hours a week. 

Then Princess came. 

And I immediately knew there was no way I could work. I was exhausted all the time. She never napped without me. There just wasn't enough of me to go around. So I said no to a few jobs. Then eventually people stopped calling me. 

Until last week. 

And I said yes. Because things are getting better here. Things are under control. 

I have interviews scheduled while Princess is in school. And I plan to write during her OT and speech sessions. 

Please don't get me wrong, I love being a mom. I love devoting myself to my kids. But this is a piece of me that has been dormant for so long. Even though my book, One Thousand And One Tears, just came out, it took three years to publish it! There just wasn't time. 

Finally, there's time. For a little piece of me. 

Parenting With a Purpose {Visionary Parenting}

My husband and I took a hard look at our parenting style last night. We admitted it's mostly about survival. Getting the kids from one place to the other. Making sure they eat are safe and mostly happy. We try to squeeze family time in as much as possible.

But for the most part we are on survival mode. Some days the happiest time is bedtime.

Our Bible study started Visionary Parenting yesterday, which you can find  here. It was eye opening and sobering.

Dr. Rob Rienow starts the series off by asking what do you hope your children look like when they're 20? 40? 80?

What do you want to be the center of their lives?

What we do now, matters to them then--when we are long gone.

And then he gave us the very well-known Bible verse: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. If you've ever been to Sunday School, you've probably heard that verse from Deuteronomy 6:4. But it's what comes in the verses after it that really put us in our place last night.

It goes on to command:  Keep these words...Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 

As in make time every single day, multiple times a day, to teach them about God. Because, frankly, all the carpools and soccer games and playdates won't really matter when they are 40 or 80. This is the stuff--their hearts--that's what really matters. That's where we should put all our time and energy.

So we started a new thing last night. We asked our kids for prayer requests. Yes, bedtime took a lot longer. Yes, I exhausted. But it was amazing what was on their little hearts, what worries them, what they think about.

We have a long way to go. But our Bible study challenged us to stop looking at the short-term day to day struggles and start focusing our long-term goals for our kids. Have you thought about your kids past today? What will they look like in 20 years? How about in 50 years? And what are you doing to help shape them?

I Am A Soccer Mom {Why We Said Yes To Travel Teams}

"You're crazy!" my girlfriend exclaimed after I told her our weekend soccer schedule.

My 4th grader had four (yes four) soccer games and my little guy had one. And they were all at least 30 minutes away. They both play travel soccer. After years of saying no, we finally caved and let them tryout this year. And, while it has been a huge commitment, it was the best decision we ever made.

My girlfriend thought I was crazy with a Capital C, not only because we drive to games, but because my boys play soccer three times a week. So that means I am carting them from field to field throughout the week.

But what I think she's missing, and this is exactly why we do it, kids who play an intense sport have to be disciplined. In everything. The rule is if your homework is not done (or if you've done poorly at school that day) you don't play. If you don't play, you could lose that precious spot you've worked so hard for. So they are motivated to do well in school, come home, and get their homework done, so they can get to practice.

My little guy, who is only in first grade and is playing on the second grade team, can sit still now. His teacher told me that playing soccer is just as important as his homework. Because he needs to be physical. He needs to be in a constructive environment. He craves it.

And even though they spend so much time on the field, they are still able to play with their friends outside, attend all the regular church activities, and have family time. What they don't do now is watch TV or play video games. Ever.

We looked at several clubs before we allowed our boys to tryout. Some practiced five days a week, which I wasn't ready for. Others were horribly expensive (as in thousands of dollars), which I also wasn't willing to do. We finally settled on a club in our hometown that is sponsored by the park district. I loved the coaching philosophy--they want the kids to grow up loving soccer and to learn how to be team players. Plus the price was right.

But the real beauty of travel soccer it is sitting on the sidelines every weekend and watching your kid on the field playing a game he loves with teammates he's bonded with. The competition is getting tougher and tougher. But they have risen to the challenge.

And cheering on the sidelines is exactly where this soccer mom loves to be every weekend.